I remember the time when you were a girl from mars
:) Today is a great day for me.
Weird, yes. Seeing as all I have felt all day is hatred, pain and a stabbing feeling in my back from two different sources.
Why do I feel good? Because I believe that I have finally built up a resilience to it.
For my entire life, any time I was put down, back stabbed or hurt emotionally in any way, I’d feel the effects for hours, days, weeks..
Today was my first day back in work after a (very relaxing) week off, I had to bear the brunt of hearing everything Ryan had been saying about me while I was not there. I was mad at the time, but shook it off as thinking about it in depth, everything said was very childish. From him changing my screen saver (in work!) to “Slit Wrists” to spreading that I had once had a 9 year old girlfriend (maybe when I was 9 I had a girlfriend of the same age but, my gosh!).
Everything was petty like that, and I shook it off, no lasting damage, I was impressed with myself.
Then came the second attack, this one came totally out of the blue, but is to be expected from the person whom it came from.
Kate was determined to tell me what I am, and what I wasnt.
She may not know or care, but she was wrong. Not about everything, admittedly, but the majority of things she was saying were absurd assumptions and perversions of the truth.
Based most probably on what she sees of me, which is distorted, clearly because of the way that I did treat her, she only ever seems to catch me on a bad day, or after I’ve done something wrong.
Why did we not talk/see each other August through January this year? When nothing went wrong, things were going right and I was back on the right track (which I believe I still am). I made a slight detour, going back to my old ways for just one night, and the tiger pounces, scramming my neck to pieces. Ouch.
Hoping tommorrow will be a better day, because I dont want to push my luck/good mood/good fortune too far, because knowing me, it will undoubtedly run short.
My weekend was uneventful, apart from going out on Saturday, having a great night, only to have it spoiled by a certain person who finds that the most interesting thing in the world is me (or at least this is how I see it). Cannot seem to talk about anything but me, my life, what I do (or what I do wrong) and give regular bulletins to the world on things I say/do. Its quite worrying/disturbing really.
I have not had a chance to analyse thigs yet, but..this person was extremely nice, a great friend to me, until I got him a job with me.
Even though in my eyes, things had not changed, (and if they had changed, it was for the better, as I had just handed him a job on a plate) the talking started..the bitchy, handbags at the ready stances were adopted. Why? I dont know…I have yet to figure that out, all I know is that I want things to go back to normal.
But anyways, back to the point, even after all this..I dont feel as down as I usually would have, I have to work that out too..because I’m off all pills now, side effects of coming off? bla.
Tired of injustice, tired of the schemes, Life is disgustin’, but what does it mean, damn it?
upgraded to 1mb cable again last friday :) woohoo. we love you ntl :P
woohoo :) Amen are playing TJ’s in Newport on the 17th of Feb :D *Deffo there*
Finished the book I was reading last night, Salman Rushdie’s “Fury“, this book is an absolutely great read, it documents the day to day life of a man that left his family in London with no notice whatsoever and moved to New York, alone. His aim, solidarity, to be at one with the city. He sits in the Central Park all day writing, watching people.
Now I am moving on to a favourite of mine, No Logo by Naomi Klein, I have read this once before, but felt that it deserved another go as it is so brilliant.
Anyways, gotta get up for 6:45ish so, better start heading off to bed soon..although, made it up for that time yesterday(/this) morning after finally getting to sleep at 3:30, I watched Panic Room, which is an excellent movie.