not me

From my post at a messageboard;

Posted: May 21 2003, 11:34 PM

..doctor told me I had a Viral Infection which was attacking my nervous system, and also some problems with anxiety, and also that my schizophrenia was mildly coming back, and that we had to stop it quickly.

So, I gotta go back to the doctors tommorrow morning to get a load of medication, she could only give me some diazapam this evening because she had to do some blood tests.

I dont feel like me.
I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I get dazed and confused easily.
I often make irrational decisions and do things that I afterwards think, why did I do that? Or, why did I come here?

Things are so odd. I don’t feel at home anywhere. Like everything has changed. I flipped on my mother earlier. Started telling her that she wasnt my mother, and that this isnt my house. I was confused. I knew it was my house, and she was my mother, but..she seemed different.

It’s the same here at SC. I know that you are all you, but I feel that you all have a lower opinion of me, or that I don’t know you at all. But I do, I know you do.

I hate myself for this, but the worst comes with Jen. I’m constantly, night and day worried that she hates me, that I’m going to lose her. I read her posts, I read her DJ and always come off thinking that she hates me, that she’s mocking me. I’m such a fool. I asked Eva to read into some of the posts I was worried about, and she couldnt see a problem. And in reality, I couldnt see a reason to be worried either, but..in my head I thought she was being nasty and belittling (sp?) me.

I can’t wait to have the old me back. I’m scaring myself so much.

Please don’t judge me.

yeesh.

I haven’t posted in a bit, just nothing going on :(

My week off so far has been *shit*
Well, apart from last night, which I’ll go into detail about in a sec.
I wanna go out tommorrow, but I really really just do not have the energy. I don’t see the point. I’m totally contradicting myself here arent I. I want to go out, but I don’t want to you. If you see what I mean. I don’t want to feel as though I’m wasting my days.

I almost died an early death today when I called Orange to find out how much my latest bill was (it hasn’t come in the post yet, grr).
The automated woman on the end of the phone calmly read out my balance.
“Two Hundred and Fourty Eight Pounds and Twent Seven Pence”.
I’m glad she was calm, because I most certainly wasnt. I jumped off my chair and stubbed my toe on the door to the living room, ouch.
“Press 1 if you would like to speak to a customer services reprasentative.”
At that point I think I must have pressed 1 about 10,000 times.
When I spoke to the person on the end of the phone he explained where all the charges had come from, and..I have to say, I was made a little calmer :)
He explained that because I had two phones, they were both on the same account. Being added up together, and as it was my first month with Orange on my new contract, I had to pay two months worth of contract fees, which I think is stupid, and also was not told about.
But, I’m calm and cool with that now.

Anyways, about last night.
Was an average night out I believe.
Got to metros at about 10ish. Had three drinks down my neck before 10:10, started as I meant to carry on.
I lost count at 15 double vodka’s. Ouch.
Next thing I know, I’m outside in the alley way with Matthew, Gareth, David & Ryan smoking a joint, excellent. Could life get any better? :D
We go back inside, and I go to get another drink (note: by now I can barely stand) when Ryan tells me everyone is leaving :| I argue this. I don’t want to leave.
So I buy some time by saying we have to go and say goodbye to Sadie. So we walk down the other end of the club to say bye Sadie. I walk straight to the bar :D woo.
“I’ll have 2 double vodka and coke, 1 double whiskey and coke…and a Vodka Ice”
Mmmmm..did I drink all that? Damn right I did!
I look around, Sadie, Ryan..everyone has abandoned me.
So I start talking to some random person, who introduces me to his friends and they invite me to come and dance to Disturbed, yay! My type of music.
After the song ends, I proceed to wander off, without saying goodbye and leave Metros.
Next thing I know (dont know how I got there) I’m outside City Hall, laying on the grass. So I take a photo (can be seen at pblog.com).
I then remember that Karen, Natalie and co. are at Clwb Ifor! So I go there and meet them outside, yay :D
After a lot of drunken rambling I decide to walk home with Fenton and Mike. The entire journey I do recall being on the phone to Annette (she tells me I called at 2:45 but, I dont remember what time) and talked to her all the way home.
I remember talking on the phone to her, but..I don’t remember what I said at all. She tells me it wasnt bad though so, thats cool.
Next thing I know, It’s 11am and I feel like crap on a stick :P