not me

From my post at a messageboard;

Posted: May 21 2003, 11:34 PM

..doctor told me I had a Viral Infection which was attacking my nervous system, and also some problems with anxiety, and also that my schizophrenia was mildly coming back, and that we had to stop it quickly.

So, I gotta go back to the doctors tommorrow morning to get a load of medication, she could only give me some diazapam this evening because she had to do some blood tests.

I dont feel like me.
I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I get dazed and confused easily.
I often make irrational decisions and do things that I afterwards think, why did I do that? Or, why did I come here?

Things are so odd. I don’t feel at home anywhere. Like everything has changed. I flipped on my mother earlier. Started telling her that she wasnt my mother, and that this isnt my house. I was confused. I knew it was my house, and she was my mother, but..she seemed different.

It’s the same here at SC. I know that you are all you, but I feel that you all have a lower opinion of me, or that I don’t know you at all. But I do, I know you do.

I hate myself for this, but the worst comes with Jen. I’m constantly, night and day worried that she hates me, that I’m going to lose her. I read her posts, I read her DJ and always come off thinking that she hates me, that she’s mocking me. I’m such a fool. I asked Eva to read into some of the posts I was worried about, and she couldnt see a problem. And in reality, I couldnt see a reason to be worried either, but..in my head I thought she was being nasty and belittling (sp?) me.

I can’t wait to have the old me back. I’m scaring myself so much.

Please don’t judge me.

3 Comments

  1. i already told you i empathize, but i also sympathize-times like this happen to both of us it seems.

    x kirsty x

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