You can tell it’s a heatwave when…

1 Hitherto unsuspected tattoos are on display, often requiring wholesale mental readjustment in social perceptions. It is frequently these, rather than the heat, that are making you dizzy.

2 You are unable to face drinking tea or coffee and spend much of your day trying to work out how to caffeinate the water cooler.

3 If you live in the city, the air is visible and has to be cut into manageable chunks before it can be inhaled. If you live in the country, your smug air is visible and you are in danger of being cut into manageable chunks by desperate urban refugees.

4 You come to believe that deodorant is God’s own stickful of petrochemical derivatives.

5 The cat is scratching the words “Shave me, shave me� on every available surface. The dog is writing letters of complaint to the design committee that dictated that panting rather than, say, unzippable pelts should be the main method of canine temperature regulation.

6 Sex seems like the worst idea anyone has ever had, ever.

7 A visit to the shops makes you deeply aware of how very far we still are as a nation from embracing the pedicure as a standard component of personal grooming.

8 The bikini is suddenly acceptable office lunch-hour wear, though disconcerting when still worn with tights in order to faciliate the quick change back at two o’clock.

9 Entering the sauna/going on the sunbed gives you goosepimples.

10 The human body finds new and interesting ways to let you down, notably in the way of inner-thigh chafing among women and scrotal sweating among all the others.

11 People rush to book holidays somewhere even hotter.

12 Foreigners walk around in thick coats and long trousers insisting that if this happened at home they would still be huddling round log fires.

13 You suddenly have veins like jungle vines and, if you listen very closely, can hear blood vessels popping under the most minimal physical exertion.

14 You sleep naked and spreadeagled, like a pornographic starfish.

15 You elbow old ladies in the face to get the last electric fan in Comet.,,1812093,00.html


  1. Wow, this was a really quality post. In theory I’d like to write like this too – taking time and real effort to make a good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a lot and never seem to get something done.

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